Your tax dollars at work: Panda Sex Division
by Jeremy 'Panda Man' Weidenhof · 09/27/2005 4:50 pmOk folks. I know we’re all trying to get back to normal after Hurricane Rita, but this is just too bizarre. Trusty old Uncle Sam is teaming up with the Chicoms to monitor panda sex with satellites. Yes, while people here at home are trying to get their lives rebuilt after major hurricanes, someone here in the US of A sees fit to expend resources on panda reproduction. While the story does not explain who is paying, it does provide some interesting details as to what is being done:
A Chinese-US project will use Global Positioning System (GPS) satellites to monitor panda movements in a reserve in remote Shaanxi province. It is part of an attempt to understand the panda’s poor breeding record.
Sounds relatively harmless, but those are our GPS satellites they’re using. Then there is this:
"Tracking them with advanced technology and observing their sex activities might help us find ways to avoid their extinction," an official said.
People are paying for other people to watch animals have sex. Something sounds really wrong here. But wait…there’s more:
"Traditional observation cannot unravel the ecological mystery of the animals," he told the official Xinhua news agency. China’s scientists have come up with a series of more or less surprising ideas for improving panda reproduction, including showing them sex education videos.
People are showing sex tapes to animals. Another sign that the end of civilization is near?
BRAMANTI ADDS: This is a very, very dangerous idea. Remember what happened the last time we used technology to track the mating habits of wild animals?
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All the pandas I’ve seen act kinda fem. Maybe they are all gay. They put the black and white together and it really looks great. Compare them to the black and brown bear. They coordinate a lot better.
Have you seen their habitats? The Pandas are very organized. The black bears just tear up their place and the brown bears just try to sneak into the other bears areas. The Polar bears just want to be left alone.
Why would…Pandas have sex with satellites?
Yow wrote…with missplaced adjectives…
"Trusty old Uncle Sam is teaming up with the Chicoms to monitor panda sex with satellites."
Is that beastiality?
"Pandas, eats, shoots and leaves."
Bee Zahhh!
And you think Deke is illerate….
JEREMY WEIDENHOF RESPONDS: Congratulations, Deke. You figured out the secret Chicom plan to steal U.S. technology. Merge Chinese pandas with satellites so they can divert information to Beijing in exchange for sex tapes, shoots, and leaves.
Is he “Rhino Styling” that Rhino? Is that getting a piece or a chunk?
She’s kinda sexy though…
Ummm, Rhinos……
Homer!
Bramanti writes,
BRAMANTI ADDS: This is a very, very dangerous idea. Remember what happened the last time we used technology to track the mating habits of wild animals?
Bill Clinton?
Oh now this ain’t nuttin new ya’ll. LBJ liked to watch dem aminals does it too.
Only with a Donkey…
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“People are showing sex tapes to animals. Another sign that the end of civilization is near?”
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Yet another niche in the porn industry?